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Loosen up, be friendly, make jokes, smile and look like you're having fun.

Get sports goggles.

Did the player who got hacked down become involved in active play? It doesn't sound like it. DFK and caution.

It was DOGSO, but the Lampard penalty was a disagrace and the foul against Soldado was outside of the penalty area. Moss had a shocker and on his birthday too.

Just go straight for the red; no reason to caution really. You should also record the caution, but no need to show it.

If he threatens to knock anyone out, you send him off so in that case it doesn't really matter does it?

Why not?

I can't see why having a multi-ball system with ball fetchers would cause mayhem if you were informed of it and informed both teams of it before hand

If green were home team, tell them that next time they should supply extra match balls.

We aren't really going to turn this around on the players for not having the right complaint are we?

You have to be careful of this one; looking professional is good, but being too professional looking can have a negative impact when you turn up for an over-fourty something match and nobody really gives a hoot. I do, however, try to make sure my hair is well kempt and my face is clean shaven...

Put the ball of your foot on the ground and rotate quite quickly round and round; stretch out your achilles' heel by putting the sore ankle forward with knee slightly bent and lean forward, keeping the heel on the ground.

Woo! That's quite the brain fart that. It happens to the best of us, of course.

Tree over pitch -- not playing.

Could have been worse.

Idiots will be idiots, eh Brian?

"That may be, but it'll cost you a yellow card. Hope it was worth it."

Don't know, I didn't see the match.

High School girls; The dissent (by which I mean literally screaming onto the pitch) started because I let the other team take a free kick for an offside that was on the goal line from about eight yards off the goal line (bear in mind, that the coach's team was losing by one goal with five...

Not a chance, mate. Not a bloody chance.