The Ref Stop

Can never think of a come back in the moment

RefRyanAus

Active Member
At the end of a recent game, the losing coach shook my hand and whilst doing so said ‘**** as always Ref but at least **** to both teams today’. It was said in a joking way and I do know this coach from many other fixtures so just accepted it as a bit of friendly banter. Of course I realise this is one of those ‘you have to be there moments’ but it has got me thinking after the event about whether I should have been more offended. Not sure whether I am being overly sensitive or whether I should just take the reference to consistency as a compliment! 🤣 I wish I had been able to whip out one of those witty come backs some of you more experienced refs use like ‘yes mate.. the referee was well matched to the quality of the teams today’ but I can never think on the spot like that. I accept it probably wasn’t my best game this year but at the same time, definitely not the worst. Oh well… onwards and upwards I guess.
 
The Ref Stop
Thanks everyone. I accept the higher road is the correct path to take here. Just cross that a mature and very experienced coach felt the need to try to undermine the confidence of a 17 year old referee in that way. I am sure I will be back with one of his teams next weekend or next month and of course the funny jibe will be on my mind… no doubt as intended.
 
I would simply be minded to ask why he feels it appropriate to speak to you in that matter, when you would never contemplate speaking to him in such a rude way? Why do you feel it is acceptable?
 
I would simply be minded to ask why he feels it appropriate to speak to you in that matter, when you would never contemplate speaking to him in such a rude way? Why do you feel it is acceptable?
Is it worth getting in to a debate? What have you got to gain from it heading down that route?

I think "appreciate your feedback" or "thanks, it was a pleasure" and walking off is the right course of action here. Someone mentioned conducting yourself with dignity earlier on and I think that's the best advice.
 
At the end of a recent game, the losing coach shook my hand and whilst doing so said ‘**** as always Ref but at least **** to both teams today’. It was said in a joking way and I do know this coach from many other fixtures so just accepted it as a bit of friendly banter. Of course I realise this is one of those ‘you have to be there moments’ but it has got me thinking after the event about whether I should have been more offended. Not sure whether I am being overly sensitive or whether I should just take the reference to consistency as a compliment! 🤣 I wish I had been able to whip out one of those witty come backs some of you more experienced refs use like ‘yes mate.. the referee was well matched to the quality of the teams today’ but I can never think on the spot like that. I accept it probably wasn’t my best game this year but at the same time, definitely not the worst. Oh well… onwards and upwards I guess.
Easy for members on here to tell you to just ignore it Ryan, but that's one of the things that's wrong with the game in my opinion.

For as long as we make it "okay" for coaches/players to insult us without consequence, it'll continue. There was no need for him to say that to you, no matter how "jokingly" (which was his way of trying to disguise it).

I agree with the advice that a witty comeback or flippant response probably isn't the best thing to do in the shoes that you were in, (and of course, once you say it, the encounter can escalate and you wouldn't have a leg to stand on ;) ) but based on the fact that you're young and were compelled to post this on here, it's my guess that it clearly offended and/or insulted you (?)

I'd have done one of two things:

1. Replied - "Please don't insult me again, even as a joke".

or

2. Replied - "Thanks for the insult" ... and showed him a red card.

Irrespective of some of the advice given on here to just effectively ignore it, you'd have been well within your rights to do either of the above.

He'd be unlikely to push out an asshole comment like that again next time you meet ... :cool:

As ever, just my own opinion mate ... :)
 
The OP sums up what is wrong with the game of football, and it really saddens me to read that someone said that to you.

In any other sphere of life, such a comment would be simply unacceptable. It is bullying. I really don’t see why it is socially acceptable for a group (that may be a few individuals, a team, both teams, spectators etc) to gang up on a lone individual. That is bullying. If someone spoke to you like that in the workplace it wouldn’t be tolerated.

Fully concur with @Kes post (although I appreciate doing either of those is not easy).

Lots of good advice above. I know one negative comment hurts, and will drown out ten positive comments, but I suspect that you were one of the best, if not the best, performers on that pitch.
 
There's a time and place for a witty and funny comeback.

Equally a time and place for a curt/concise response.

Learning what situations require what is part of it.

I'm always one to try and lighten the mood but if someone needs a b*llocking for stepping over the line you've got to do it.
 
Is it worth getting in to a debate? What have you got to gain from it heading down that route?

I think "appreciate your feedback" or "thanks, it was a pleasure" and walking off is the right course of action here. Someone mentioned conducting yourself with dignity earlier on and I think that's the best advice.
I don't see it becoming a debate. I don't want ot get into a conversation about it, just a simple explanation from them why they think it is acceptable when in any other situation it would not be considered so.

Tell my why you think it is okay? I won't respond. I won't discuss, but perhaps you might think about why you felt the need to share your views.
 
The OP sums up what is wrong with the game of football, and it really saddens me to read that someone said that to you.
it seems to be that once upon a time, the Game was a forefront in expecting respect toward officials. But it’s far from it now. We see profession referees pushed or grabbed on a regular basis with no contact. Professional baseball in America pretty much makes it an absolute that initiating contact with an umpire is an ejection (and a suspension is expected). The same is true in the NBA. With what folks see on TV, it’s no wonder there is not an expectation of certain behavior at lower levels. The professional game of football is really letting the Game down.
 
Thanks everyone. Some great advice here and I really appreciate the support offered which is why I love this forum so much. I normally have no difficulty dealing with dissent and feel like I have a good rapport with most players. I am more than happy to have a bit of a chat on the field and even engage in a bit of friendly banter from time to time when the game allows. I am not sure why this incident has gotten to me so much - probably because the game was over, the result was certain and the approach by the coach seemed friendly and familiar in the first instance. I am annoyed I let it happen to me without any thoughtful response and that it was the final say on the day. I had no thought to pull out a card (the joking tone put me in doubt) or to provide any other response. This was an error. There I am standing like a stunned mullet being walked all over. Oh well, lesson learned (and aren’t we always learning). I won’t be fooled next time… hopefully. :-)
 
I don't see it becoming a debate. I don't want ot get into a conversation about it, just a simple explanation from them why they think it is acceptable when in any other situation it would not be considered so.

Tell my why you think it is okay? I won't respond. I won't discuss, but perhaps you might think about why you felt the need to share your views.
I don’t think it’s acceptable and I think it’s wrong we have to deal with these situations. Like others have said it wouldn’t be tolerated in any other walk of life.

However, with that said, there is no upside to the referee engaging with the individual unless the manager is being aggressive or threatening then I’d fully agree they should be sent off. There is a high probability that it will escalate and other people will get involved and suddenly you’ve got a bigger situation to deal with. No doubt they will side with the manager. I’d be inclined to brush it off, defuse the situation and move on.
 
There are some important comments here. Like any decision, you have to decide if/how you get involved:

Nothing
Smirk it off
Thanks, good game
I’m warning you
Yellow card for dissent
Red card for OFFINABUS

In the end, only you can decide this based on the context of the situation.

In this case, I also can’t pull put the humorous one-liners on the field, so something polite, firm with a mild warning might be best. But take your time, you decide.
 
I used to say "well if any of us were any good we'd be doing this at Old Trafford" and it's always diffused the situation and got a smile
 
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