Just ended my ref career

U19 match today, my bad taking it without looking. Visiting team has come from 5 hrs away and only has 10 players. Game starts off as expected with the home team scoring early. Visitors rebound and score a couple of goals to lead. Both teams constantly on me about fouls etc. second half I lost control of the match and the players are all over me. By the end, my experienced AR is taking it hard from the losing parents side, home team now down 5-3. Game ends 6-4 and the parents are outraged. I go to talk to my AR and I hear the parents and what they are saying. Lose my cool and tell a couple of them to go F themselves. at this point, I don’t care if I never ref again. I’m so tired of dealing with this all the time. Called off work to do 3 games today. Should have went in. First 2 games were fine. Everyone great, one coach sided with me when his player was offside and the team complained. This is all on me of course but I have no business being out there anymore.

captainwinsor said:

U19 match today, my bad taking it without looking. Visiting team has come from 5 hrs away and only has 10 players. Game starts off as expected with the home team scoring early. Visitors rebound and score a couple of goals to lead. Both teams constantly on me about fouls etc. second half I lost control of the match and the players are all over me. By the end, my experienced AR is taking it hard from the losing parents side, home team now down 5-3. Game ends 6-4 and the parents are outraged. I go to talk to my AR and I hear the parents and what they are saying. Lose my cool and tell a couple of them to go F themselves. at this point, I don’t care if I never ref again. I’m so tired of dealing with this all the time. Called off work to do 3 games today. Should have went in. First 2 games were fine. Everyone great, one coach sided with me when his player was offside and the team complained. This is all on me of course but I have no business being out there anymore.

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It’s definitely not ideal how you responded, but on a human level we’ve all wanted to do it. In one of my early games I let an f-bomb out whilst explaining something “it was your own f-ing player”. I swear like a sailor anyway but when it gets heated it’ll come out.

Frankly, in my opinion the county FA should say obviously you shouldn’t have done that BUT the actions of the parents and players is worse and more unacceptable.

If that’s you done from your side then fair enough, it sounds awful, maybe think about other parts of football? I find women and girls football a bit better, young adults and vets are the worst in my experience.

Sorry to read all that, I hope you manage to come back to refereeing at some point in the future. Don't let idiots on the side get you down.

I won't lie, I also read the age group as 'U9' at first, which shocked me about them travelling 5 hours, until I saw my mistake...

Edit - to add, if teams constantly on at you about fouls, start shutting them up. After the first 3 moans in a short period bring the captain in. Be firm, stern, set out that you'll start using sin bins for dissent if it carries on. Make a big show. They've only themselves to blame if it does carry on... If it means they get 3 in the bin at once, so be it. A bit more work for you on paper but less players on the pitch to moan at you.

Definitely not unexpected a referee losing their cool eventuality at sidelines.

It may be worth noting that this was your third game of the day and that’s alot. Take your example as it being alot.

Imagine this was the first game of the day and you had two others to do.

You may be physically fit to do three but its alot mentally to juggle. The concentration, decisions being made.may be wise in the future if you do continue to referee to simply do one game a day.

I think most of us have probably felt like this at some point. It is a pity that you lost your temper but understandable in the circumstances. There have been plenty of games when I have needed ground officials and security to get back to the ref room and when I have felt the outrage of fans who are certain they’ve been robbed by the **** referee. Sometimes I have been angry, scared and indignant all at the same time. Of course,, we all know that it is easy to be critical from the cheap seats. If you haven’t spent time in the middle, lost your confidence in a bad spell or wanted to find a hole and disappear when everything has gone tips up then it all seems easy. I hope you are able to see past this bad experience and have the opportunity to rejoin your refereeing journey without too much admonishment. Referees are hard to come by and far too easy to lose. I hope you feel better about things with the benefit of time. There are some good observations and useful tips from other posters above that might help in a recovery and return to the middle. Take care and good luck.

captainwinsor said:

U19 match today, my bad taking it without looking. Visiting team has come from 5 hrs away and only has 10 players. Game starts off as expected with the home team scoring early. Visitors rebound and score a couple of goals to lead. Both teams constantly on me about fouls etc. second half I lost control of the match and the players are all over me. By the end, my experienced AR is taking it hard from the losing parents side, home team now down 5-3. Game ends 6-4 and the parents are outraged. I go to talk to my AR and I hear the parents and what they are saying. Lose my cool and tell a couple of them to go F themselves. at this point, I don’t care if I never ref again. I’m so tired of dealing with this all the time. Called off work to do 3 games today. Should have went in. First 2 games were fine. Everyone great, one coach sided with me when his player was offside and the team complained. This is all on me of course but I have no business being out there anymore.

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I feel for you.

Are you ending your career by choice now or do you think you will be sanctioned as such?

If the former, then fair enough. But I suggest sleep on it for a couple of weeks before making a decision. If the latter, it won't be a career ending sanction. Take whatever sanction coming your way on the chin and if you feel you would still enjoy refereeing, get back on the house.

Unfortunately the bad behaving players and crowd drew a reaction against your better judgement. The sanction is for that. Career decision has to be about you and what you want to do, then it's not a win for them.

Thanks for the replies. I don’t think I’ll be sanctioned. No one has reached out to me. I know what I did was wrong and I do love doing it but it’s tough when you feel there’s no end to it. US Soccer won’t do anything and it’s become a huge money maker for everyone involved. It sometimes feels like, don’t bite the hand that feeds you and just put up with it

captainwinsor said:

Thanks for the replies. I don’t think I’ll be sanctioned. No one has reached out to me. I know what I did was wrong and I do love doing it but it’s tough when you feel there’s no end to it. US Soccer won’t do anything and it’s become a huge money maker for everyone involved. It sometimes feels like, don’t bite the hand that feeds you and just put up with it

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Sounds like you're having second thoughts about knocking it all on the head now(?)

Bad days come and go mate, as in life. But sometimes like you say, you just have to live life on life's terms.

Just keep going until you genuinely don't enjoy it or can't any more. Best of luck, whatever you decide.

I was asked to go to watch one of our league’s new referees because he was having issues with teams. The game was pretty horrible, with both teams giving him some pretty awful treatment, and in the end he flipped. It started with the home team giving him grief, and because he didn’t deal with it the away team joined in. He was over the other side of the pitch when he apparently told a player to “just f***ing shut up!” At this the player was mortally wounded, telling him “you can’t say that!” despite him having been saying a lot worse first. I debriefed the referee at the end and told him not to worry until he actually heard anything from the county FA, and then we’d work out how to respond.

I heard from him a few weeks later - the team had reported it to the league, who mentioned it to the county FA, but there was no official report made. The CFA asked the referee for his comments and suggested he handle things differently in future but said that no further action would be taken unless a formal complaint was made. Nothing has happened since and it’s been a couple of months so it’s unlikely anything further will happen now.

As has been suggested, it’s not ideal but we’ve all felt like this at some stage. If teams start getting like this then slow the game down and get much firmer on showing dissent. Give free kicks more quickly and don’t play advantage. If you use sin bins then do this. If not then use cautions. If players are spoiling the game for you, do the same for them. They’ll learn or you’ll send them off.

Also, smile! Players hate it if the referee smiles when they’re acting like this, because they’re trying to get the sort of reaction you showed. If you show they’re not getting to you - even if they are! - then it upsets them and they may stop because it’s not working.

markref said:

Also, smile! Players hate it if the referee smiles when they’re acting like this, because they’re trying to get the sort of reaction you showed. If you show they’re not getting to you - even if they are! - then it upsets them and they may stop because it’s not working.

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I agree with everything you've said here and in my experience most of this works well. The one I would be careful about it smiling. Players do hate it, but they will also use it against you, so it can create more of a reaction rather than less. It probably depends on a few factors, but I just tend to focus on managing the game and dealing with the behaviour (with a small dose of wishing it would be over soon, which it always ultimately is!).

markref said:

Also, smile! Players hate it if the referee smiles when they’re acting like this, because they’re trying to get the sort of reaction you showed.

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This is the best advice. It makes such a difference. It gives the impression of unassailable self confidence and the effect is like magic dust. Like the teacher who shows weakness is the one who loses control of the classroom, the referee that makes it clear the players are getting to him is the one with match control issues.

It took me several seasons to learn this. If there was one bit of advice I could pass to me newly qualified self this would be it.

Trip said:

This is the best advice. It makes such a difference. It gives the impression of unassailable self confidence and the effect is like magic dust. Like the teacher who shows weakness is the one who loses control of the classroom, the referee that makes it clear the players are getting to him is the one with match control issues.

It took me several seasons to learn this. If there was one bit of advice I could pass to me newly qualified self this would be it.

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I don't have the same length of experience as you so I will agree to a certain extent.

Like others, I'm not 100% sold on the "smile, it winds them up" approach but I do agree with the self confidence part. If you are confident in your decisions then players won't bother arguing after a while. If you're not confident, then you need to fake it 'til you make it!

Viridis1886 said:

Like others, I'm not 100% sold on the "smile, it winds them up" approach

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Yeah, I don't agree with that at all. It actually has the opposite effect, it se-escalates the situation, or perhaps it simply doesn't reinforce the negative behaviour. Whatever, it works.

For quite a while I was not qualified - I let ticket lapse after 25+ years, because of a Sunday morning agro match - typical drunken threats etc - wind forward I start doing some local junior sides when they haven’t been allocated a ref (inspired by my grandsons team need for a ref) - never took a fee, not entitled as not qualified - so my “moment” was an end off season match, awsful awful coach (at u11) screaming for everything - finally in last few minutes he started loudly calling me a cheat, telling his team “don’t about about his decisions, he’s just a cheat” - finally I flipped, walked over to him and told him “I’m off, I don’t have to stay here and take this , I’m off …” I didn’t swear, but I went home totally disappointed with myself - but then I realised it wasn’t me that should be sad that evening, it was “that” coach … I used that as my inspiration to get re-qualified and get the tools to properly deal with these situations (of course a badge helps), I reconfigured my game approach - teaching old dogs new tricks … it’s worked - at 67 I was possibly one of the newest recruits … and I’m back enjoying it again …

Sleep on it, talk to somebody and get back in the saddle if thats what you want … don’t let the b”””gers grind you down …

Trip said:

Yeah, I don't agree with that at all. It actually has the opposite effect, it se-escalates the situation, or perhaps it simply doesn't reinforce the negative behaviour. Whatever, it works.

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Thanks, yes this puts what I mean much better than I did. Sorry about that. Someone came to the door and I clicked “post” before reading it. I didn’t mean “it winds them up”, I mean it shows they’re not getting to you, so they know they’re not getting the reaction they’re after and give up.
When teams are getting to you, then you need to make yourself look more confident. When you blow the whistle, make it louder. When you give signals make them smarter and more assertive. Slow the game down a lot more. And smile!

It’s not for everyone. You need a thick skin. I am “the sensitive type” and it is a miracle I am 600 matches deep. I constantly question if I share the same morals as the football family on the field, in the stands, in the papers, on the TV.

Most of the time I’m amazed anyone puts up with it so I totally understand anyone that bins it off for whatever reason.

santa sangria said:

I constantly question if I share the same morals as the football family on the field, in the stands, in the papers, on the TV.

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We do with the majority, but there is a very vocal minority, and a media cadre that is pushed to incite reactions for ad revenue. The middle of the road opinion doesn't earn any dosh.

We all lose our cool in tense situations and wearing a referee kit doesn’t change that. Ok you have probably reflected when it’s all calmed down and thought it wasn’t the best thing to do but it’s done. It’s the end of the season now maybe take some time to consider if you want to continue.

3 games in one day is a lot of time to be physically pushing yourself and to focus too . Maybe you didn’t lost control and tiredness caught up with you. We all want to do our bit as referees to help cover games just sometimes we have to say no and that’s ok