The Ref Stop

6 games so far - not really enjoyable

marshr02

Member
New Ref here, 50+

Just completed 6 games so far. Assessed today, that was useful, and learned a few things to concentrate on improving. I started reffing to learn the laws, to help my sons who play decent youth football, plus I hope they will spend a season being a ref for 'life lessons'. I also thought, it might on the whole be fairly enjoyable to get back out on the pitch. There's a but coming ......

I'm reffing mens open age in Sussex. And to be honest 3 of my 6 games I've found quite unpleasant. Today, on match 6, someone had to be held back while aggressively approaching me, twice - he felt I gave a wrong decision.... he may have been right. In the moment, I felt too exposed, and to be honest approached the bench to deal with him - rather than giving a card - because I genuinely felt the situation was on the edge, and didn't want to escalate it.

I've got two children, and a full on schedule at the moment.... so I'm sitting here thinking why am I taking this risk, and where is the banter, and enjoyment. The question isn't can I handle it.... but more why bother? Anyhow. That's my experience, I'm probably going to take some games off, and think if it's worth it.... The shame is the players that make the games unpleasant are in the minority..
 
The Ref Stop
In the end it might not be right for you. At times it is very hard and yes, unpleasant.

Everyone is different. I started at 39 and struggled with the emotional side for a couple of years. It took me @50 OA matches plus flagging better refs and asking a lot of questions for me to get the mindset I needed. And I probably would not have continued but for spending time with a lot of other referees, getting just enough mentoring and generally feeling not alone.

I envy you tho - I’m s Bton boy, away for 20 years, and my bucket list included whistling in Good Old Sussex by the Sea!

I used it to get out if the house, away from the fam, to meditate, get fit, and because I love football. But yeah, in the end refereeing is a quite different lifestyle choice!
 
You need really thick skin to get through refereeing, and you need to be strong enough that these big ******** lads wilt under your gaze. Essentially.

I don't think it's a minority of players spoiling it. We had a referee's meeting recently where we were asked if we had abuse this season and near enough 99% of attendees had their hands up. And I'm not talking 'backchat' or 'dissent', we're talking actual, genuine, full on hostile abuse, whether from the line, the players or otherwise.

Unfortunately, it's part and parcel of refereeing. It's not a 'banter' and 'enjoy' sort of thing for me, but it never has been tbh.

As for why bother? I think it teaches you how to remain composed in the face of adversity, it also is a cauldron where you can show your talents as a man-manager/situation manager. When it clicks, especially at the higher levels, there's no better feeling. But you do have to weather a storm of crap at the bottom end before you can get there unfortunately.
 
Thanks guys. Youth leagues out of the question as I'm watching/taking my boys to their games.

For me it's a sort of love hate thing. I like a challenge, so I find it hard not to keep working to get the better of the situation. But I'm old enough to not feel the need to prove myself. But as RobOda mentions the abuse goes over a line for me, over the past 6 games. I've had players trying to pysch me out, when I walk up to the changing rooms at the start of the game. I'm sitting there styling it out, cracking a joke or two and they look like they're pissed off before we even start.

Anyhow, I'll probably miss a week and go again. Each game I turn up to, I get a little bit more intolerant of crap. I'm also learning to completely ignore all protests, because players swear blind this and that, blatantly trying to deceive me.

Yesterday though was a bit different. I've got a stocky player, eye's bulging, running after me - with multiple players holding him back. Once he appeared to calm down, he then tried again to get past the restraining players. I don't need that.
 
Yesterday though was a bit different. I've got a stocky player, eye's bulging, running after me - with multiple players holding him back. Once he appeared to calm down, he then tried again to get past the restraining players. I don't need that.
That thug shouldn't be on a football pitch and needs reporting.

I get why you responded to it the way you did at the time mate but stuff like that going unpunished is what'll fuel his behaviour like that in a future game.

If you feel unsafe during a game of football, even just for a second, it's time to stop and go home.
 
That thug shouldn't be on a football pitch and needs reporting.

I get why you responded to it the way you did at the time mate but stuff like that going unpunished is what'll fuel his behaviour like that in a future game.

If you feel unsafe during a game of football, even just for a second, it's time to stop and go home.
I agree. It's not happened to me, but I think that if I felt threatened in that way I would be abandoning the game and letting someone else deal with the consequences. No way I'd be sticking around in an environment where I didn't feel safe. We need to be fair, not heroic.
 
Thanks guys. Youth leagues out of the question as I'm watching/taking my boys to their games.

For me it's a sort of love hate thing. I like a challenge, so I find it hard not to keep working to get the better of the situation. But I'm old enough to not feel the need to prove myself. But as RobOda mentions the abuse goes over a line for me, over the past 6 games. I've had players trying to pysch me out, when I walk up to the changing rooms at the start of the game. I'm sitting there styling it out, cracking a joke or two and they look like they're pissed off before we even start.

Anyhow, I'll probably miss a week and go again. Each game I turn up to, I get a little bit more intolerant of crap. I'm also learning to completely ignore all protests, because players swear blind this and that, blatantly trying to deceive me.

Yesterday though was a bit different. I've got a stocky player, eye's bulging, running after me - with multiple players holding him back. Once he appeared to calm down, he then tried again to get past the restraining players. I don't need that.
You might just have been unfortunate to have come across such an idiot so early in your 'career'. Feeling genuinely threatened is not a regular occurrence in my experience, but that's not saying it doesn't happen. In five years, I've maybe had three or four players who were of concern

Otherwise, I think you have to kinda enjoy the 'white noise'. Just think of it as part of the game and work on 'mastering it'. There's a sense of satisfaction in not being swayed by 90 minutes of incessant pressure and absurdly, it's possible to get a lot of respect from everyone in attendance if you manage to achieve that
 
You might just have been unfortunate to have come across such an idiot so early in your 'career'. Feeling genuinely threatened is not a regular occurrence in my experience, but that's not saying it doesn't happen. In five years, I've maybe had three or four players who were of concern

Otherwise, I think you have to kinda enjoy the 'white noise'. Just think of it as part of the game and work on 'mastering it'. There's a sense of satisfaction in not being swayed by 90 minutes of incessant pressure and absurdly, it's possible to get a lot of respect from everyone in attendance if you manage to achieve that
I’d agree here. I had a guy try to headbutt me this season (much like his efforts on goal to that point, he missed badly), but that’s the first time in over 8 years it’s happened.

I was actually more bothered about being called a cheat after a high profile game than the above incident.
 
Yes. Thanks, read it. Still mulling it over in my mind. The day after I went to watch my son play an U14 game - the opposition coach was really unpleasant to the ref, arguing everything. Now he's 14 I'm working flat out to get him to switch to other sports with a less negative culture. I played Mens football on a Saturday from 17 to late 30's. Of course there were tackles, and niggles, and shouting etc back then (1980s-2000). Watching mens football, now as a ref, it feels a lot more unpleasant and joyless.
 
It may be of no consolation to you, but I had a game at the weekend with to teams in the local league that was the most enjoyable one I have refereed so far. I've done over 30 since Jan from U11 to OA, Sat/Sun, Boys/Girls.

Both teams were competitive, questioned but were respectful of the decision even though they may not have agreed, responsive to my feedback. It was all round a really enjoyable experience.

Tonight I have an U16 league cup semi final. I know it could all go wrong, but the great games are out there.
 
I actually prefer when the coaches start arguing about decisions as we can do something about it. In much the same way some ref's put down a marker early in the game for what type of challenge they will allow, I always pay special attention to the sidelines. The first hint of non-trivial dissent will peak my ears and I will be actively listening for a reason I can go over and have a word to nip it in the bud. If I go over again, it is either an absolute final warning or a yellow.

Last nights match was much more annoying though as the two coaches of a very low level u12 team spent the entire match directing their players on exactly what to do. It was non-stop and it was really doing my head, mostly because I have a coaching background. It wasn't until the last few mins when one of their players negatively reacted to being told what to do that I could go over and told him that their non-stop instructions has been doing my head in the whole game but now it is affecting the players and told them to stop. They didn't.
 
When does an opinion become disset by the way. I gave a FK for a shoulder in the back- which I believe it not allowed. The coach shouted out 'never'. I told him off and he said 'he's allowed an opinion'. I guess the answer is; you have to nip it in the bud....
 
When does an opinion become disset by the way. I gave a FK for a shoulder in the back- which I believe it not allowed. The coach shouted out 'never'. I told him off and he said 'he's allowed an opinion'. I guess the answer is; you have to nip it in the bud....
He's allowed an opinion, but it's possible to have an opinion in your own head. You're not obliged to just let him shout that opinion at you - I think you're exactly right to tell him off, and him disputing that is then definitely starting to push towards the dissent threshold.

At that point, I'd be following up to his response with something like "I've told you what I expect, keep your opinion to yourself please" and then act on the next occurrence.
 
Sorry to bore those who have heard this story before but for the op and few who haven't.....!

Took the course 20 years ago with my next door neighbour (I was 41 he was about 6 years older) he went strainght to OA, having played regularly, I stuck with my son's youth league. He used to regale me with tales of Sunday morning horror shows and I was getting nothing like that, but the normal stuff from parents/managers who thought they were in the PL. After a few years I got to do some U18/U23 Isthmian lines and Women's Tiers 3 an 4 lines as well. Really enjoyed the decent facilities and being out in a team. Gradually dropped the youth league, replaced by more lines and volunteering from the many requests from County. Last few years (covid not withstanding) these have increased and I have regular games (16 - 18 year olds) at my local high profile public school along with college lines. Unbelievably after 20 years this is going to be my most productive season ever and fingers crossed I should get to 60 games. I have a County Cup Youth Final middle in May and have done a couple of County FA Schools finals middles as well and I've not been near an OA age game all season.

Whatever level/your aims/motivation you HAVE to enjoy it - not every minute of every game - this IS football after all, but hopefully you know what I mean.

That's not to say that is the same for everyone, I know and have read from referees on here those who won't go near youth or women's games, but you do need to find what works for you - for everyone on here and 95%+ of referees its a hobby, who wants a hobby that you don't enjoy?
 
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