Body Language and Communication

[Olivia P]

Hi,
I was wondering if any experienced refs could help me out a bit. I absolutely love reffing, but as someone whose done it for only a year, I sometimes struggle with choosing my body language, tone of voice, etc. when speaking to players off the ball. Often when speaking to a player due to minor dissent for example, I believe my tone can sometimes be similar to 'scolding' which I don't intend, it just comes off that way due to natural instinct of having to defend myself. Alongside that, players sometimes don't take me as seriously because I'm female and has connotations of being bossy (I'm not saying I've experienced sexism, but its not exactly cool for 14 year old to be told off by a girl, so I imagine they're going to shrug it off in front of their teammates) I was wondering if anyone had any tips or tricks to help my overall communication as I believe its a part of my game I need to improve but haven't yet got the confidence of an adult who has been reffing for 5, 10, 15+ years. Thanks

 

[santa sangria]

There are others more experienced than me... my thoughts...

I'm five years in and still question my tone in heated games. First thing is: how much do you need to have spoken confrontations with players? can you cut down on it - how many decisions in a game really need explaining, are you trying too hard to explain things?
Then, if you find yourself telling players off, should you be using the cards more? Stepped approach, first verbal warning for some types of offence or comment are all very well, but your cards are there for a reason.
And, same goes for the whistle. I shouted at two players today. But, that was only after I had shut them up the first time with very loud blasts from the whistle. In retrospect I should have blasted them again so I wouldn't have had to shout over them.

My last word is about respect. You are concerned that players might not respect you, that's totally understandable. I try - and lord it's hard sometimes - to take the same attitude and tone with kids, with ladies, with men, and with players that I know are trouble, and players whose ability or actions get them into trouble. I don't want or need more conflict by being confrontational with problem players. A lot of players (whole teams) are looking for reasons to escalate anything with the ref and to blame you.

I think you have to try and be calm. The trick I have is to be polite and save the 2-way conversations with players for after the game. You don't need to defend yourself. And you don't "have" to explain yourself. If you keep making decisions to the best of your ability, you will get more and more confidence. And the respect will flow both ways

 

[markref]

Hi Olivia,
If you want to make a lecture less confrontational then open your posture so that instead of facing the player straight on your body is pointing past him while your face points towards him. It then becomes more conversation and less confrontation.
This is also useful if a player gets too close and expects you to move back. If you do what he wants you lose face, or else you’re in his personal space which is aggressive and risks contact / assault. Opening your posture defuses this without stepping away.
Use open-handed, palm down gestures to emphasise that you want him to calm down / behave.
If dealing with minor comments then try to imagine it’s a conversation rather than a lecture to make your tone less officious (Margaret Thatcher did this to make her voice softer and less bossy) but if you need to lecture then bossy can be good as long as it’s not too much.
Try not to get into too many conversations with players. As Santa says, you have cards for a reason. If they won’t listen and you feel you have to defend yourself then you’re probably talking / letting them talk too much.

 

[one]

Pleasing to see a young referee is reflecting on areas they need improving in. Even more pleasing to see they are open and proactive in getting advice.

I used to have the same problem and still do sometimes (being seen too bossy). It is much better when I referees players that I have known for a while and we have an understanding of each other.

To help me I use an 'imagine' technique. That is, I imagine I know all the players from both teams and they are all my friends. For example in your case one team is all your classmates and the other is all your neighbourhood friends. It sort of reinforces the approach of friendly way of giving them warnings or telling them whatever you have to tell them. But at the same time you can be tough to your friends as well because the opponents are also your friends and you want to be fair to both sides.

Being a female referee for male games has its pros and cons. Use the pros to your advantage and find the way around the cons.

 

[Olivia P]

There are others more experienced than me... my thoughts...

I'm five years in and still question my tone in heated games. First thing is: how much do you need to have spoken confrontations with players? can you cut down on it - how many decisions in a game really need explaining, are you trying too hard to explain things?
Then, if you find yourself telling players off, should you be using the cards more? Stepped approach, first verbal warning for some types of offence or comment are all very well, but your cards are there for a reason.
And, same goes for the whistle. I shouted at two players today. But, that was only after I had shut them up the first time with very loud blasts from the whistle. In retrospect I should have blasted them again so I wouldn't have had to shout over them.

My last word is about respect. You are concerned that players might not respect you, that's totally understandable. I try - and lord it's hard sometimes - to take the same attitude and tone with kids, with ladies, with men, and with players that I know are trouble, and players whose ability or actions get them into trouble. I don't want or need more conflict by being confrontational with problem players. A lot of players (whole teams) are looking for reasons to escalate anything with the ref and to blame you.

I think you have to try and be calm. The trick I have is to be polite and save the 2-way conversations with players for after the game. You don't need to defend yourself. And you don't "have" to explain yourself. If you keep making decisions to the best of your ability, you will get more and more confidence. And the respect will flow both ways

Very helpful advice! I thought this would be a great source of information as at my RA meetings, the older refs seem to have much more confidence and ability to deal with this sort of issue (obviously life and match experience plays a large role in that) and found it very useful. Tbh, I don't like getting into one on ones with players, I just feel like sometimes although necessary, may cause more resentment for myself. I'm also cautious of cards- typically the age range of the matches I do are 12-15 year olds, an age where they should know the rules but are still often guilty of throwing an occasional strop. However, I do acknowledge that I sometimes explain my decisions to players when I don't necessarily have to. I think this is just my personality in general, and sometimes it even helps the situation, but I realise the defensive tone may need toning down.

I personally think the coaches have a large role/responsibility in this. If impressionable teenagers are hearing their managers (as well as professional coaches/managers/players) making comments, they feel its ok for them to do it. I think another reason for this is definitely because they want to look 'older', by replicating the behaviour of Sunday league teams (god knows why) I usually just treat any grief with an internal eyeroll and trust my decisions, as I believe the application of law is one of my stronger points. Usually a warning that any more slander will result in a card quiets them down.

 

[Olivia P]

Hi Olivia,
If you want to make a lecture less confrontational then open your posture so that instead of facing the player straight on your body is pointing past him while your face points towards him. It then becomes more conversation and less confrontation.
This is also useful if a player gets too close and expects you to move back. If you do what he wants you lose face, or else you’re in his personal space which is aggressive and risks contact / assault. Opening your posture defuses this without stepping away.
Use open-handed, palm down gestures to emphasise that you want him to calm down / behave.
If dealing with minor comments then try to imagine it’s a conversation rather than a lecture to make your tone less officious (Margaret Thatcher did this to make her voice softer and less bossy) but if you need to lecture then bossy can be good as long as it’s not too much.
Try not to get into too many conversations with players. As Santa says, you have cards for a reason. If they won’t listen and you feel you have to defend yourself then you’re probably talking / letting them talk too much.

On reflection, I do realise my body language may be a bit too formal, or full on, so I will certainly think about positioning. I think half the battle is choosing the correct language. I definitely understand that being too authoritative can be detrimental, but its having some "go to" phrases with common situations. Again, I think thats a flaw in my general character rather than just refereeing, as I know what I want to say and sound like, but I haven't got the experience to demonstrate it effectively. I'm sure it will come however.

 

[Olivia P]

Pleasing to see a young referee is reflecting on areas they need improving in. Even more pleasing to see they are open and proactive in getting advice.

I used to have the same problem and still do sometimes (being seen too bossy). It is much better when I referees players that I have known for a while and we have an understanding of each other.

To help me I use an 'imagine' technique. That is, I imagine I know all the players from both teams and they are all my friends. For example in your case one team is all your classmates and the other is all your neighbourhood friends. It sort of reinforces the approach of friendly way of giving them warnings or telling them whatever you have to tell them. But at the same time you can be tough to your friends as well because the opponents are also your friends and you want to be fair to both sides.

Being a female referee for male games has its pros and cons. Use the pros to your advantage and find the way around the cons.

Appreciate the feedback. I definitely attempt to take a more casual approach to it, but sometimes it can be presented as quite forceful, so I need to strike a balance between a more laidback talk and consolidating authority. Also, its easier said than done, especially when you have a full sideline yelling at you and some 13 year old kids screaming in your face, there's only so much you can let go, ha. I'm pleasantly surprised at how equal teams treat me (get the same amount of abuse as my male counterparts like !) but I don't know if there's any implicit attitudes, but I can only speculate.

 

[Sheffields Finest]

Its hard to personally assimilate with your predicament Olivia as I was the polar opposite, a big lump who wasn't afraid to put my body in the way of a snorting centre half or two blokes about to kick off. I gained a persona of Hard B'stard but to some degree it was there when required but you ref whats in front of you. If they behaved I cut them a bit of slack, if they wanted to play hard ball or were chirpy I wasn't afraid to act.

You are just starting out, I assume, we were all nervous to start with, afraid of messing up, learn to have a tough side, that may be brought out when required. I learned a few one liners, a few back handed compliments or put downs too when they chirped up!! I'll have to have a think on a few but they worked for me to lighten a mood or put someone in their place...

Keep posting though, Im impressed with your honesty and self commitment to improve by asking more experienced colleagues. We are a tight knit bunch and im sure we've all been there as the phrase goes!!

 

[Kes]

Hi,
I was wondering if any experienced refs could help me out a bit. I absolutely love reffing, but as someone whose done it for only a year, I sometimes struggle with choosing my body language, tone of voice, etc. when speaking to players off the ball. Often when speaking to a player due to minor dissent for example, I believe my tone can sometimes be similar to 'scolding' which I don't intend, it just comes off that way due to natural instinct of having to defend myself. Alongside that, players sometimes don't take me as seriously because I'm female and has connotations of being bossy (I'm not saying I've experienced sexism, but its not exactly cool for 14 year old to be told off by a girl, so I imagine they're going to shrug it off in front of their teammates) I was wondering if anyone had any tips or tricks to help my overall communication as I believe its a part of my game I need to improve but haven't yet got the confidence of an adult who has been reffing for 5, 10, 15+ years. Thanks

Sounds to me like you're doing just fine Olivia.

The way most players behave on the field is conducive to almost having a parent or teacher type figure as the referee anyway. Most of us older guys on here find that to be the case - even refereeing adults. Just avoid being condescending or overly sarcastic when you speak to them and you'll be fine. If they don't like being cautioned/reprimanded/refereed by a female - tough!! That's their problem.

 

[santa sangria]

You make a good point about the coaches taking responsibility. But, unfortunately... and this is only in my experience, the coaches of teenage teams can be the worst example to the players and are often part, if not most of the problem. I had a game recently where I could sense the players were willing me to send the coach away so they could stop fouling and enjoy the game more!

 

[xPositor]

Players at that age, in my experience, mouth off for one of two reasons (ignoring the trigger event. e.g. foul etc) - they are either hormonal and are just explosive, or they know exactly what they are doing (never underestimate how sneaky even the youngest of players can be). A word in passing... "player, be careful with what you're saying" (said with an almost friendly tone / face). If you've done that and still they keep chirruping I wouldn't bother with stepped approach to captain (at youth) - straight to yellow. That's like a slap in the face for the hormonal player, and will pull them up, and for the sneaky player it tells them you're not playing their game, and you won't accept what they are trying to achieve (i.e. chipping away at your own decision making and confidence). The coaches can then decide what action they want to take, either allowing the player to stay on and risking that second yellow, or sensibly rolling them off either to calm down or permanently for that match.

 

[Justylove]

Regardless of whether for dissent or a foul, decide whether you want to deal with it "in game" i.e a quick and quiet word as the game is ongoing, examples:

Minor Foul - just a little late there, just be careful please
Minor Dissent - player, i'm not liking some of those comments, please keep them to yourself or i will take action

If you are bringing the player in, use the isolation technique, move to an unoccupied area and have the player come over, that gives you (and hopefully them) a few seconds to decide on how you're going to play it. If its for verbals and you plan a chat, not a caution, if they are still going as they come over, be firm - "ok player, you've had your say, now i'm going to have mine" if they keep interrupting you as you talk "either you listen to what i'm saying, or you'll be going in the book"

Key thing is, keep the communication simple and clear. Its not the local debating society, you're there to apply the laws. The first player that ignores you and carries on because "you're a girl and its so uncool to have to listen to you" gets a yellow card, that will normally be enough to pull them back into line.

 

[Sheffields Finest]

Some great advice here Olivia. Have a good read, understand the comments, adapt as you see fit and overcome this bump in the road with experience...

 

[Ben448844]

Interesting debate. I did an u21 game at the weekend and have been thinking about how I dealt with the verbals ever since. I'm a level 7 and it's my first season of 'full time' reffing, as opposed to playing most weekends and occasionally reffing to help friends teams out (I initislly qualified as a 15 year old in 1999 as a level 3, which was beginner level back then).

I've always tried to keep a good raport with players and communicate whenever possible and I consider myself pretty competent in heated situations (maybe cause I used to cause a few as a player, oops).

However, I showed 0 cards at the weekend, which has been the case in 10 of my 20 games this season (adult footy). One team gave me abuse throughout (as they did their own coach). I tried to manage it without cards, which often worked during the game, but there's a couple of players in particularly I shouldve sent off, never mind tickings off.

Thinking about it, it's really rather arrogant that I believe I can sort verbal issues without resorting to cards and i failed on Sunday to meet the standard required. Most importantly, ive learnt a valuable lesson and im therefore pleased it happened. A single warning and then straight to the pocket next time. Ive been trying to use strong body language and stern but clear language to stop verbals but it didn't work and i kept to that technique for too long. I also play advantage too long and despite telling myself not to I still find myself doing it. It'll come of course I just frustrate myself! I get good marks and I've had no real incidents of note at all this season but it's so important to accept your failings and attempt to learn from them, even if you're a bit thick like me and it takes a while.

 

[Sheffields Finest]

To often on here I hear of card fests for things that can get sorted without major revenue generation. Players aren't angels, far from it, and some of them take the biscuit and deserve everything they get however, a good ref for me has to have empathy with a match situation, the passions involved and a mute button in certain circumstances. to go straight for a card at the lower end of all the possible offences can set a precedence for mayhem whilst a warning, a word with the captain, a public b0llocking before you do your worst can can save everyone a ruined weekend. Of course at the upper end you can really go for it and be the biggest b'stard they've ever met but they are the ones who are asking for it!!

 

[Olivia P]

Thank you for everyone with your advice! I honestly mean that, it’s been great and no doubt helpful. I definitely plan to scribble some of these down for future reference (I’m a bit of a geek like that!) hopefully what I lack in experience I can make up for in presentation, and honestly grassroots football is a completely different ballgame to how you see profesional refs dealing with this at Prem, Champ, etc level which is what most people are exposed too. I am trying to catch some more Sunday league football and observing what techniques the more experienced refs use in adult games, and to see if any observations are transferable (probably more appropriate for older teenagers) One day I would love to do adult football, but that’s a few seasons off yet and maybe promotion but the more I get my behavioural style down the more I can stop worrying and really focusing on application of law. But again, all advice is massively appreciated! Thanks guys.
Btw, I really like the ‘group’ mentality here. A lot different from social media where you mention a referee and your mentions aren’t amazing to read.

 

[Nalbi]

That's the right attitude to propel you a long way not just in refereeing but in life so stick with it and yes we are in way like a big family in here with minty and finest being the grandparents; yes we have our arguments maybe a bit rowdy and noisy at times but for the most of it we stick by each other.

As for picking up other techniques and observing other referees try doing the line on the higher decisions that's the ideal way to observe refs at work!

 

[Sheffields Finest]

Very good Nobbler, .... A good analogy there for the inexperienced, learn a few backward compliments that you can use in a game.. Eg, a player comes over and gives you a piece of his mind, take you book and whistle out and attempt to pass it to him saying with his attitude and undoubted knowledge he may as well carry on with your job and you can do his!

 

[RobOda]

Very good Nobbler, .... A good analogy there for the inexperienced, learn a few backward compliments that you can use in a game.. Eg, a player comes over and gives you a piece of his mind, take you book and whistle out and attempt to pass it to him saying with his attitude and undoubted knowledge he may as well carry on with your job and you can do his!

Yeah, then they snatch it out of your hand and you look like a lemon.

Having said that, seems like nearly every referee has done this at least once!

 

[Mintyref]

Yeah, then they snatch it out of your hand and you look like a lemon.

Having said that, seems like nearly every referee has done this at least once!

Nope, not me. Too frightened they'd take it and do a better job............!