A&H

Heartbroken

L

Lefelee

New Member
Hi folks

I'm quite heartbroken at the moment because of several things.

Refereeing is my clear no 1 passion in my life and I've devoted hours of every day for the last couple years to reach my goal of reaching the top one day. Unfortunately there are some things that just havent worked out :(

Most importantly, my goal for this season was to (finally) get into the referee academy and I know I'm a better (and higher level) ref than many of the lads there. The problem is that the most dedicated and highly rated referee in the group really hates me and has been both bullying me face to face and talking cr*p to his friends in the group about me. He is also good friends with the head of the academy and I suspect that's the reason why I wasn't admitted, and this was the third year in a row.

My assessments have been mostly always very good with a few average or slightly below average ones, and I'm often entrusted with high-risk or competitive games, particularly as an AR.

Then this weekend I had a game as AR with the referee I mentioned and his best friend. I thought long and hard about not doing it but considering that it was a big game with an "important" assessor I decided to go ahead with it. It was a terrible experience, from the time we got there they were having fun at my expense, during warm-up it got a lot worse and personal, they kept giving me sick reasons for why I wasn't in the academy and why "nobody liked me" etc. I was on the verge of crying so I went back into the changing room and told the assessor that I was not running the line today to a referee who keeps insulting and making fun of me. The assessor told me I had to go ahead with the game and rather complain to my FA if I couldn't "accept some banter". I almost snapped back at him, I was on the verge of crying, but I felt I couldn't pull out so I went out there and ran the line.

During the game there were several situations with poor cooperation between me and the referee, probably stemming from the fact that I had absolutely no trust in him at all. Most of the other stuff went reasonably well.

In the debrief the referee talked about how little help he had got from me and how bad I was. The observer agreed and an argument ensued, I tried to tell how I felt, the assessor said I was unprofessional and my conduct before the game was improper, and that "I don't know what your intentions were with telling me that, but you don't stab a colleague in the back in the way you did". I was outraged, but I was outnumbered so I felt it was best to leave it there.

When I got home I cried all night, I feel so helpless, and I keep wondering what to do. Refereeing literally is my life and even though I am strongly contemplating quitting I really feel I can't let the haters win. Only thing is that I am terrified of reporting this to my FA as the referee in question is by far the golden boy of everyone, he's everyone's favorite referee and perhaps the FA's biggest talent. If I report it I am so scared it is going to backfire massively... :(
 
The Referee Store
Step 1:

Dear [insert RDO name here],

Can you please let me know why I was turned down for the Academy this year? It's the third in a row and I'd like to know what i can improve my chances of success for next year.

[Your name]

Step 2:

Find your OP.
Ctrl+A
Ctrl+C

Dear [insert RDO name here]

Ctrl+V
Delete reference to being friends with academy head if you've had an answer.
Delete all references to "golden boy" and "chosen one" as it's important to remain objective here. These comments will detract from the point being made, and will see it filed under "jealousy". It'll get you nowhere.

[Your name]

It's obviously an issue and needs to be addressed. You may not be the only one this is happening to.

I would add that in this case you can fully ignore my signature! ;)
 
Last edited:
Is this for real?

Not sure the obsession with getting into an Academy, the promotion criteria is no different so as long as you meet the criteria and have the required assessments at the right level then you'll progress at the same pace as anyone else, in the academy or not.

I don't think the RDO is the right person by the way, you need someone who is in charge of referee welfare. If I was you, just ignore it and worry about your own performance on the fop when you are refereeing. If you are good enough, you'll progress.
 
paulwfromtheden said:
Think it's a wind-up...
Click to expand...

If it is, then I've been had. If not, this comment won't help.
20140930_LIGHT_BeAStarAlliance-HOMEPAGE_0.jpg
 
Sorry to hear about your troubles mate. Sounds like a fair amount of out of order behaviour has been going on.

I'd agree that the best chance of success here is to get creative and reframe your approach. How can you minimise your interactions with those who 'have it in for you'? Change leagues, focus on other types of football? Or if you think your 'face doesn't fit' with your current county then any way you could hop into an adjacent one and start afresh? Academies are useful but certainly not the be all and end all .. I got my 7 to 6 last year without and am hoping to do likewise with 6 to 5 this season. And remember, once you do start progressing upwards the powers that be will change from county to the Supply League and the FA.

Obviously you shouldn't have to do any of this and you're well within your rights to complain to whoever might listen. I just sense from your note that it might end up with further knock backs and frustration

Chin up .. hopefully in the future you'll be able to look back on this and smile ....
 
Thanks for your words guys. I am a 1st year level 5 referee and I've always been thinking that once I get my 4 and less to to with my county everything will be better, but right now I keep worrying about getting "stuck" at level 5 and anything I say or do can be held against me as obviously the county would want the right people to represent them at L4. I have several good friends and a great mentor who I have talked to about these issues and I am confident that I will get over it, but thanks so much for your support.
 
Most, if not all County FAs, will have a Welfare Officer. Could they not assist you?
The FA also have a Respect Code of Conduct for Referees and two of the bullet points are:
• Support my match official colleagues at all times
• Set a positive personal example by promoting good behaviour and showing respect to everyone involved in the game

You seem to have some support around and a sympathetic ear to listen to you. Use them and don't let in eat away at you. Can the local or national RA not help?
 
County development groups are often who you know, rather than ability based. Just use it as extra motivation, the behaviour of the guys in the development group has shown that you aren't missing much.
Always be careful of who you speak to, far too many back stabbers in refereeing.
 
When you start your story with "I know I'm a better referee (and higher level)......." I tend to lose sympathy and it makes your story sound like a bitter whinge.

Sorry, just the way I see it.

Talk to your RDO and County Welfare Officer.
 
Padfoot said:
When you start your story with "I know I'm a better referee (and higher level)......." I tend to lose sympathy and it makes your story sound like a bitter whinge.

Sorry, just the way I see it.

Talk to your RDO and County Welfare Officer.
Click to expand...

Well he is 18 and level 5 so must be doing something right with the little support he has got so far.

A bitter whinge doesn't make you go home and feel like crying. That's bullying. Yes there is Banter in refereeing, but bullying I've never experienced. They have taken it too far to affect the OP so much!

@Lefelee Is there no clear selection process to get into said Academy? There should be. Otherwise it undermines itself, with just being a boys club.
 
Padfoot said:
When you start your story with "I know I'm a better referee (and higher level)......." I tend to lose sympathy and it makes your story sound like a bitter whinge.

Sorry, just the way I see it.

Talk to your RDO and County Welfare Officer.
Click to expand...
+1.

You don't have to live your life on the internet. You can do something about this situation, so do it. You need to talk to your RDO and ask about the academy. You also need to report the bullying you believe you have experienced.
 
County welfare officer is a good shout from @Padfoot

Report it as you see it to your CWO, leave them to deal with it, but most importantly accept their advice and findings/investigations. Don't be seen as having a vendetta after speaking to your CWO or it will work against you.

There are people in the refereeing world you will dislike and dislike you. That is no different to life in general. As you get older you do learn to accept this, become more secure with who you are and stand your ground in a firm and confident way.

That however does not give them the right to belittle, ostracise or humiliate you for their own means.

Tell the CWO and let them do their job. Accept their decisions and move forward without question. Attempt at to build bridges with the individual and show them they don't have any affect on you or your referee career.

There is clearly history between you two though, what has happened before, how did you meet etc?
 
Lefelee said:
It was a terrible experience, from the time we got there they were having fun at my expense, during warm-up it got a lot worse and personal, they kept giving me sick reasons for why I wasn't in the academy and why "nobody liked me" etc.
Click to expand...

Ignoring the filler, the above is bullying plain and simple.
I dare say I work in a more alpha-male environment than most and I would be in serious hot water if someone accused me of this. The "Banter" excuse doesn't fly anymore.
I'd take on the advice of those who have more experience of how it really works behind the scene (Brian Hamilton etc) but DO NOT let this lie. Also, joining your local RA might be a good shout.

I f***ing hate bullies!
 
Sorry to hear this. I'm absolutely sick of bullying being acceptable under the guise of "banter".

As others have said, report this to your county welfare officer; cut out all of the opinion ("I'm a better referee") and just stick to the facts of what happened and the effect that it has had.
 
firstly - I literally have no idea how you didn't chin the fella ... anyone spoke to me like that then there would be 2 hits, me hitting him and him hitting the floor, I know you'll all say that violence wont help out but when nobody is around its your word against his ...

secondly - id be reporting the assessor, never have I heard such damn right disrespectful and condoning things in my life ... id have told him where he can shove his assessment, and dependant on my mood I might have give him a helping hand!

thirdly - with out a shadow of a doubt id be reporting BOTH of the other officials, id report it and I wouldn't let it drop

id want to know the outcome of everything! be happy with whatever the outcome is unless no action is taken!

if no action is taken then report them to the police, harassment, bullying, verbal abuse, threatening behaviour - take your pick

the FA and the academy wont want a referee 'golden boy' with a police criminal record would they?
 
Must be an Essex thing Charlie, because I was thinking the same thing. Get hold of the guy in a quiet room somewhere and a stern word giving clear indication about what will happen if he carries on.

However, such an approach is clearly not in the OPs character, nor should we be condoning aggression ;)

Dealing with it yourself would have removed the need to involve the assessor and avoided the embarrassment in front of the other guys, but doesn't excuse the behaviour.
 
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