A&H

My best ever witty retort

SM

SM

The avuncular one
Firey game on the weekend. Talking to the players prematch and the goal keeper of the home team comes up to me:

"You have got to watch number 10, he is forever diving in the penalty area!"

"That's funny keeper he just said exactly the same thing about you!"

I was extra proud of that one. :D
 
The Referee Store
My best one was at the end of a game. Player who had been riding me all game (should have carded, but for some reason didn't) walked up, shook my hand and said, "Not a good game today ref." I responded, "Don't be so hard on yourself mate, I didn't think you played that badly." Face was a picture.
 
i had a bald coach shouting a little too vigorously at his u16's a few weeks back

my friendly shout of, 'i would tell you to keep your hair on, but, hey!' hit just the right spot. cue apology from the coach and the game carried on
 
I was quite pleased with myself when one eejit kept shouting over and over "there's two teams on the pitch, ref!"
My response was "There'll be one less on the touchline if you don't shut up!"
It raised a laugh and kept him quiet
 
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Last month I was AR at a semi-pro ground. Cue usual people off their heads on drink. Being a nutter is already a pre-requisite to support these diddy teams so you can imagine them after the bevvy sinks in.

Meathead of about 40 is right in my ear going "This is the problem with Scottish refs, you youngsters are crap and you're dropped right in it before you can grow pubes!" The retort I had in mind was "Just shaved pal, your daughter loves it" but I had to hold my tongue as my response would have incited a mini-riot.
 
One that backfired on me a few years back.

A defender appealed for handball, which I did not give. He got rather irate, and said, "He took the lace out." Thinking I was being clever I retorted, "There is no lace in the ball." To which he instantly said, "Yes thats because he just took the f...ing thing out." We both just smiled and got on with the game.
 
smair said:
Meathead of about 40 is right in my ear going "This is the problem with Scottish refs, you youngsters are crap and you're dropped right in it before you can grow pubes!" The retort I had in mind was "Just shaved pal, your daughter loves it" but I had to hold my tongue as my response would have incited a mini-riot.
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I'm so glad you just said that you didn't say that... I can imagine his reaction!
 
Frank said:
One that backfired on me a few years back.

A defender appealed for handball, which I did not give. He got rather irate, and said, "He took the lace out." Thinking I was being clever I retorted, "There is no lace in the ball." To which he instantly said, "Yes thats because he just took the f...ing thing out." We both just smiled and got on with the game.
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Just how long ago did this happen???? :)
 
After my second league game of the season (first season) player informed me that I was a 'joke'. I told him 'I'm not here to make jokes, but heres a £10 fine. Thats not very funny is it?'
Made me chuckle anyway
 
TomMcC said:
After my second league game of the season (first season) player informed me that I was a 'joke'. I told him 'I'm not here to make jokes, but heres a £10 fine. Thats not very funny is it?'
Made me chuckle anyway
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Ahh, the power of shockingly bad jokes eh? ;)
 
TomMcC said:
After my second league game of the season (first season) player informed me that I was a 'joke'. I told him 'I'm not here to make jokes, but heres a £10 fine. Thats not very funny is it?'
Made me chuckle anyway
Click to expand...

I think that banter has it's place and can often defuse certain situations. However I would be careful about what you say when cautioning a player.
 
On the subject of Joking, another one I had, after blowing for a foul was "You're joking ref." I said to him, "If I was joking I would have said 'I say, I say, I say' just before I blew the whistle!"
 
When I get the 'your having a joke ref' line. I put on my sternest face and say 'does it look like I'm laughing' and sometimes I may break into a slight grin ;-)
 
Retorts, this one wasn't very witty but got the job done.

Had a fiesty competitive U16s game today, clubs are close together so is a big rivalry. Not done a kids game for a while, been doing OA for a few weeks on the trot. 15 mins in and a player screamed at me "****ing hell ref make your mind up" after I overruled the linesman (club) on a throw-in decision.

Loudly, and without thinking, I replied "****ing hell six, get on with your own bloody game". Fourty parents and three/four coaches all within twenty metres of me when I said it, only complaint that come out of it was funnily enough, from the player himself... can anyone guess? "Ref, you can't talk to me like that..." :eek:

So yeah, naughty me. Just slipped out and I'm lucky nobody rose to it really. Coach at the end laughed it off and said his guy deserved it, I got a match mark of 91 (although I never really care about club marks anyway), and we all went home happy. Thankfully.
 
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