The Ref Stop

Coping after a match

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Homer Ref

Homer Ref

Well-Known Member
Level 5 Referee
Any hints/tips about getting that "that's it no more" feeling after a match? I know it disappears after a sleep, but that fragile time right after a game where something has happened that makes you question if you want to go on, that is it worth it?

How best do you cope and keep negative thoughts at bay?
 
The Ref Stop
A way that could help is the mindset from ted Lasso "Be a goldfish" but that depends what type of person you are as it won't work for everyone. The other way that I prefer is talking about it to someone who is also a referee, and will understand your situation.

I've built a network of guys who we all share our experiences with or even just those of us on here. Everyone who has refereed knows the feeling and is more than happy to help/support.
 
Peer networks are a great source of comfort in these times.
Not possible until the next match but I always found getting back on the horse into the next match worked a treat.
 
Homer Ref said:
Any hints/tips about getting that "that's it no more" feeling after a match? I know it disappears after a sleep, but that fragile time right after a game where something has happened that makes you question if you want to go on, that is it worth it?

How best do you cope and keep negative thoughts at bay?
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This has been me mate, I stopped refereeing and then I come back. Driving home after games questioning WHY do I still referee. Taking a step back from football in general done me a world of good. ( that was my decision ) and then when I decided to come back I didn't have this problem.

Maybe having a hobby outside of football refereeing to take your mind off things? All you can do is your best during games, have a good network around you, speak to close refereeing colleagues.
 
Depends what the "something" is I suppose. Since you haven't shared it with us I assume it was either a match changing decision you feel you might have got wrong on reflection, or just being subject to constant player protest/whinging/criticism. ;)

Either way, all you can do is look forward to the fact that you won't be refereeing the same teams next time and that those players will have forgotten all about the game by now. Just focus on your next match - which is all they'll be doing now too. ;)

Remind yourself what it is that compelled you to become a referee to start with and also what it is that you enjoy about it. Dust those emotions down, remember that the footballers need us more than we need them and stick that chest out mate. Not many have the balls to do what we do, least of all to stick at it. :cool:💪
 
I'm not sure if you played the game a lot. When I was younger I used to play regularly at a similar level to the ones I commonly officiate on - District League stuff.

When I played I would disagree with decisions, but generally by the time I got to the pub, went to bed, I'd pretty much forgotten the game. As a referee I would often find myself pondering and rerunning decision faaaar longer than I ever did as a player. I think as referees we might be prone to overthinking and putting undue pressure on ourselves. As a player it certainly not being carried into the following week.
 
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Just tell yourself that whatever mistake you made players in the game will almost certainly have made worse ones. Ultimately there's nothing you can do about it, you can't go back to change the decision, and unless you've seen video evidence you don't know for sure you got it wrong anyway. I came away from several step 2 games convinced I'd messed up, usually on offsides, but when the video was reviewed I'd either been correct or the evidence was inconclusive. It is just human behaviour to assume you were wrong when lots of people are telling you that you were wrong, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you were.

Even where you are 100% certain you were wrong, don't beat yourself up about it and rather try to identify why you were wrong. Was it positioning, lack of concentration, or any number of other factors, once you've worked that out it will help you to prevent making the same mistake again.
 
Others have already shared great advice so I won't bother repeating it.

If it helps though, we all have moments like this. It's getting on for nearly a month since my last game now, as I hadn't missed it over the summer, came back and got a lot of games done very quickly, and felt a bit rubbish after all of them. I've decided I'm not going back until I'm ready, and that's alright. If you want to soldier on into the next game, brilliant. If you don't, a week or two out may not hurt!
 
“It won’t matter tomorrow” is my usual approach.

But I know this feeling as others have said. Last season, referee bailed me out on an offside. No drama really; I’d slipped and as it turned out done a hamstring in the same instance, and was nowhere near where I needed to be.

It was the guy behind me who sent me into that hole though with his constant cheating C-U know the rest, at me for the rest of the game, including right outside our dressing room. I wanted to belt him.

Told myself all the way home, “it won’t matter tomorrow” and it didn’t. But still beating myself up as I was disappointed in myself for the error that led to that tirade from that idiot. Was worse than the pain and the injury break.

A year later, I’ve not seen him since but he’s still an absolute [redacted] and it still doesn’t matter 😎
 
Think I missed a 95th minute penalty on Saturday due to my own poor positioning (for some reason, and I still don't know why, planted myself the wrong side of the D from a free kick out wide on ARs side of field, ultimately couldn't see in to the drop zone. I heard the noise (which apparently was defender kicking striker as striker kicked the ball) but I just couldn't see it. Very nearly used the clues I'd seen and heard to give it but think my thought process took too long to do that, and it's very rare you can give a decision having not seen it.

It's annoyed me all weekend.... but I'm back out tomorrow night and determined to put it right!
 
Viridis1886 said:
I'm not sure if you played the game a lot. When I was younger I used to play regularly at a similar level to the ones I commonly officiate on - District League stuff.

When I played I would disagree with decisions, but generally by the time I got to the pub, went to bed I'd pretty much forgotten the game. As a referee I would often find myself pondering and rerunning decision faaaar longer than I ever did as a player. I think as referees we might be prone to overthinking and putting undue pressure on ourselves. As a player it certainly not be carried into the following week.
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I've never heard someone express this but after my first few weeks of the Sunday League season I think you're spot on. Had two tough games involving three teams with reputations for being unpleasant enough and tough to control when things don't go their way, and ultimately I've decided to knock it on the head, switch to youth on Sundays, and try to find a Saturday league to middle/AR in open age.

However, I've been struck how for the most part no matter how much of a sh1thjouse a player/players/coaches have been throughout the game almost every single one comes up to you at full-time as if the last 90 minutes plus didn't happen.

I think those of us on here clearly take what we do seriously regardless of the level, beat ourselves up when we get or think we got something wrong, and are probably better refs than the standard we ref at. But I agree that rhe vast majority of Sunday league players have forgotten about it if not at full-time, or back in the changing room, but by the time they've got to the pub.
 
The Gump said:
I've never heard someone express this but after my first few weeks of the Sunday League season I think you're spot on. Had two tough games involving three teams with reputations for being unpleasant enough and tough to control when things don't go their way, and ultimately I've decided to knock it on the head, switch to youth on Sundays, and try to find a Saturday league to middle/AR in open age.

However, I've been struck how for the most part no matter how much of a sh1thjouse a player/players/coaches have been throughout the game almost every single one comes up to you at full-time as if the last 90 minutes plus didn't happen.

I think those of us on here clearly take what we do seriously regardless of the level, beat ourselves up when we get or think we got something wrong, and are probably better refs than the standard we ref at. But I agree that rhe vast majority of Sunday league players have forgotten about it if not at full-time, or back in the changing room, but by the time they've got to the pub.
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Yeah, I'd agree with this. I played at the same time as being a referee and we were on the wrong end of several horrendous decisions, by the time we got to the pub, and certainly by the time we were a couple of pints in, I was the only one still moaning about it. Same when I coached and managed, I'd still be seething but the players and other coaches had already forgotten about it. Can only assume it was because I was a referee, in that I expected better.

Worst one was when we were playing the top of the league and 3-2 up in added time. The referee gave an IDFK on the edge of our penalty area for the keeper shouting leave it, expect he didn't, he shouted Greaves, not understandably given that was his name. No caution, so the referee was incorrect in law, and to compound it all the free kick went straight into the top corner and he gave the goal. I was still furious 3 hours later but the rest of the team told me if I didn't stop moaning I should **** off home as I was doing their head in (they'd already forgotten about it).
 
One thing I have noticed in the Amateur leagues is there are some "experienced" referees (read that as old, but wise enough to not care any longer about the nonsense or the carry on). They rarely keep up with play and the players tend not to get on their back.

For what it is worth the event that caused the mini-breakdown was that I was in the way of a pass, and blew the whistle for a dropped ball. The ball broke and a player was challenged resulting in a bad injury. We don't do the challenges I know that, but somehow we feel responsible and useless if we haven't seen it and given the offender the card they deserved. Injuries are part of the game I know that too, but it is hard not to think that had you controlled the game better they would not happen.
 
Given up open age football this year and just doing youth games. Much more enjoyable as the men’s last year was constant grief, culminating in being threatened by a player, who I had sent off. Don’t need that grief. So don’t give up, and maybe try some other formats for a break
 
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